By Sam Stalcup
I first became aware of the whole idea of maturity deficits in 2008 when my wife and I became acquainted with the Life Model. My wife, Betsy, discovered that she had infant deficits at the same time that I realized that I had childhood deficits. I thought, I am 60 years old, and I have childhood deficits, are you kidding? I had a very loving mother. I was very secure in her love. I knew my needs would be met. So I had solid infant maturity. But I realized that throughout my life I had always had a hard time doing difficult things. At work, at home. When there was something hard that needed to be done, I would put it off. Avoid it. And I probably still do, to a degree. Sometimes I would get so overwhelmed that I would freeze.
For example, about 12 years ago, shortly after buying my first Prius, Betsy and I were finishing up at Costco, and Betsy went to go get the car. I was pushing the cart. I came around the corner and there she was in the car with a crowd of people around her. She did not know that she needed to push hard on the brakes before she hit the start button. The car, with her at the wheel, had drifted back and was blocking another car full of people who wanted to leave. I froze. I was about thirty feet away. Finally, she got out of the car, so a man who was trying to help her could get behind the wheel. He quickly started the car and pulled it back into the spot so the people she had blocked could leave. But she as she got out of the car, she looked up and saw me standing there and was furious that I had not rushed in to help her. But when she calmed down and talked to me, I was able to tell her that when I saw her in trouble, I didn’t know what to do and I got overwhelmed. I felt a gasp of breath and froze while waiting for it to end. Betsy had a moment of illumination. She realized that I couldn’t help it. She recognized that it had happened before, and it had enraged her. Now she saw that I didn’t have the capacity to help her and that I froze. It was encouraging to me to feel understood.
We recently redid the maturity assessment, and I could see a lot of positive growth. That deficit is still there but now I am aware. I can recognize it now: This is a hard thing that I don’t want to do. For example, around that house, I will see something that is distasteful. Something I really don’t want to do. I will put it off. What I’ve started doing recently is when I recognize that dynamic, I cut it off at the pass, and do what I am supposed to do. It happens with lots of things when they are out of order.
For example, I have this bird feeder that has been sitting on the floor in the family room for several weeks. The bucket of bird feed got wet inside during a torrential rainstorm and the seed sprouted. It smelled horrible and was heavy. My nephew helped me by dumping it into the trash and I cleaned out the bucket and bought new seed, but it had sat there for some time. The other day I decided, It is time to take action today. I got the bucket out, got a plastic bag to line it, and I got the seed into the bucket. I filled the feeder and hung it back out on the deck. A cardinal was eating there this morning. So, I am recognizing when this particular maturity deficit is in play, and I tell myself, It is time to take action, to stop avoiding it.
In the past, Betsy would get fed up with the mess and would do it for me, but then she would be angry. We’ve been doing a lot of work around co-dependency and now she leaves what is my responsibility to me. It may take me a while and she has to live with the stuff sitting there, but it is much better than it was. When I see stuff that I don’t want to do, I realize that it is not going to get any easier. I should just do it. I have relief when I do. As that becomes more habitual, that will help me overcome this childhood deficit.
Back when Betsy was doing most of the distasteful tasks at the house, she was often angry. It is better now that she waits for me to those tasks. I have a much higher tolerance for messes. She does have to put up with messes here and there, waiting for me to do something about them. But it is so much better than it was.
What is a bit crazy looking back, was I did not feel guilty that she had to do all of the distasteful tasks. When we lived in California, the men in our neighborhood would tease me about it. “Is that your wife on the roof? Or crawling on her elbows under the crawl space?” I guess that is a part of being stuck in childhood maturity is that you see everything from the viewpoint of a child. It feels normal to have someone else do things for you. I felt relief when she did things for me. It was as if, Of course, Mom does it for me, I’m a kid!
As we have talked about this, Betsy also sees that with her infant maturity deficits, she felt that friends and loved ones should help her when she was having a meltdown. Because she needed help. She was in distress. As if she was entitled to their support. That is the view of an infant, I need help regulating my emotions and you should help me because I need help.
As we have matured, our perspectives have changed. I know what my responsibilities are and that I need to take care of them. She has more ability to regulate her emotions and can reach out for help without pressuring anyone. She knows that she is triggered, probably by something in her past, and that it is her responsibility to ask for help. It is okay if someone says, “Can I help you tomorrow?”
We are so much happier now!