How I Am Slowly Making Joy My Natural State

I’ve been recovering from my maturity deficits for over a decade. I’ve made a lot of progress and it has changed my life. It’s amazing looking back at how much my deficits were holding me back. I once thought it was normal to get angry and vent at my loved ones when I was upset! After all, I felt better when I got it off my chest, and secretly I thought they deserved it! I didn’t know I had picked up those beliefs from my family of origin and that not being able to regulate anger was an infant deficit! Imagine that! Here I was leading a healing ministry and I had infant deficits. And regulating anger was not the only one.

At least once a year I reevaluate how I’m doing in my march toward recovery using the infant and child checklist. This year I decided to tackle a really big maturity deficit—to make joy my normal state. What was they thinking? After all my husband had died in May 2024, and just four months later I suffered a traumatic injury to the middle finger of my dominant hand. I’m still recovering though it’s so much better than it once was. This is a shameless plug for you to pray for me. I need not only to be able to make a fist (so I can hold a knife and open jars) but also to be able to straighten my fingers. The injury to one finger (the amputation of just a centimeter of my middle finger) has affected my entire hand. It was swollen and stiff for so long, but now I’m having trouble bending the fingers. Because I’ve been working so hard on bending them, now I’m having trouble straightening them.

But back to the point of my story. I believe the Lord uses our suffering to make us more aware of areas that need healing and recovery. And so I felt led, after teaching a class on relational maturity this fall, to try to tackle this one: “making joy my normal state.”

It seemed the worst possible time to tackle such a big one, but I was miserable and seeing rejection where there was none. So it was time.

It felt incredibly hard at first. I would be home alone feeling miserable. Then I would remember that I wanted to make joy my normal state. I knew that it would not come from begging God to help my feelings change. I had to take action. That was my part. I could certainly ask him to help me want to do what I knew I needed to do, but I couldn’t expect him to zap me and make it all go away. So I would force myself to remember positive memories. Thankfully I’ve been practicing Immanuel prayer for more than a decade and so I had a whole slew of positive memories that I can go to. I just don’t feel like doing it when I’m feeling rejected and alone.

But I had such a strong sense that this was the season for me to do this hard work. I forced myself. I would think of one positive memory. My mind would drift but then I would go to another positive memory. It was quite the battle between distractions and progress.

But then after a few days, I realized I was feeling better. A tiny flicker of joy was beginning to burn in me. My circumstances were worse than ever. My Saturday morning walking partner was out of town. My weekly walking partners were ill. A close neighbor was overseas. My prayer partner was on a cruise. My sister was in the Philippines. In terms of human comfort, I was alone.

Yet, I was experiencing a steadiness, a joy in being home alone. I invited friends over for dinner and ordered meat that was already chopped. I felt elated to have them there even though they were suffering too. Was joy becoming my normal state? I think so. Does this mean I never feel lonely? No. I sometimes still feel lonely but not despairing.

And when I do, I talk to God. I reflect on my positive memories. Listen to worship (favorite new songs: Breath of God and Measure of Kindness live worship from Capital City Music). Take a walk.

Normal state does not mean one enjoys this state one hundred percent of the time.

I am so grateful to God that in the midst of life-changing sorrows he is helping me do the hard work to regulate my pain and live in joy—most of the time.