Who Am I? Eradicating Self-hatred
/By Elizabeth Stalcup, founder and executive director of Healing Center International
It may not seem like it matters much but knowing who you are is absolutely crucial to living the abundant life God has for you. Who gets to decide? You? Other people? I would argue that God is the only one who knows who you are. Amazing, isn’t it? He knows who you are because he created you. You are his favorite, his beloved, his chosen, the son or daughter of the king of kings.
Here’s more: Jesus has liberated you from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2, TPT). God has chosen you to be his very own, joined you to himself even before he laid the foundation of the universe! Because of his great love, he has ordained you, so that you would be seen as holy in his eyes with an unstained innocence (Ephesians 1:4, TPT).
Let the words soak in.
Despite the incredible power of these truths, many of us do not live out of our true identity because we are mired in various forms of self-hatred. Sadly, many Christians confuse self-hatred with humility, but they are not the same. In chapter ten of David Takle’s book, Forming: A Work of Grace[i], he writes that “scriptural humility is simply the recognition that I am a very small creature with a very big God. Everything I have is a gift. I am totally dependent on God for life, for value, and for meaning.” Self-hatred or self-rejection is not from God. “It is not a Christian virtue. It is rampant in our world and interferes with my knowing and receiving my identity in Christ” (p. 308-309).
It comes, Takle writes, from “the distorted messages and wounds” that we have received, primarily in childhood. Here are some of the symptoms that may surprise you.
Perfectionism. I believe I have to be perfect to be loved or accepted. Underneath I am trying to compensate for shame messages that say I am not good enough.
Fantasy. Fantasizing is a normal part of childhood, but as we mature, we should take on more realistic images of who we are and find joy in the life God has given us. Unrealistic images that persist into adulthood, may be driven by subconscious attempts to repress self-hate.
“If only” thinking. My life is on hold until . . . I get married, get a better job, or “get it together.” If I am unable to live in the present, then self-hatred may be keeping me from receiving the life God has for me right now.
Self-hatred may cause me to exclude myself from groups. What is crazy is that it may seem that the group is excluding me, when a sense that I don’t belong causes me to pull away.
Self-Talk. In moments of despair, I beat up on myself becoming my own worst enemy. Here are some examples:
Discounting or minimizing our blessings can also be a symptom of mild self-hatred. hate it when I get emotional.
No one really cares for me, or no one cares about what matters most to me.
I wish I were dead.
No one understands me.
I am a failure.
I hate my life.
If you knew me, you would not like me.
I wish I were someone else.
No one really loves me.
Discounting or minimizing our blessings can also be a symptom of mild self-hatred.
Where does it come from?
Self-hatred comes from distorted messages and wounds we have received in life in our broken world. We fear that our worst ideas about ourselves might be true. We feel shame over how we see ourselves. We wish we could be a different person. Self-hate corrodes faith. Those who are trapped in self-hatred find it very hard to receive. Tragically, many do not recognize their self-hatred.
Self-hatred can poison our faith. We can believe that God is disappointed with us, against us, or even disgusted with us. We can think, God is not going to heal my wounds. He is not going to give me purpose or want to be with me. He won’t speak to me, meet my needs, or want to be with me. He may love others, but not me.
In truth, God knows you and sees you with hope and love. He is for you, not against you.
What is the answer? How can we receive healing from distorted self-perceptions? Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are the answer to all our brokenness. Spending time with them, letting God show us who we are and what plans he is preparing for us. Let him replace the distorted, internalized messages with his love, empathy, validation and healing. Building trust and a secure attachment to God.
A Healing Exercise
Find a quiet place and get comfortable. Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Yawn and relax. Thank God for who he is. Reflect on the attributes of God that you appreciate most, such as his:
Goodness
Kindness
Power
Glory
Omnipotence
Omnipresence
Gentleness
Faithfulness
Love
Steadfastness
Pray these two verses from Ephesians 1 (TPT) over yourself:
17 I pray that the Father of glory, the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, would impart to you the riches of the Spirit of wisdom and the Spirit of revelation[a] to know him through your deepening intimacy with him.
18 I pray that the light of God will illuminate the eyes of your imagination,[b] flooding you with light, until you experience the full revelation of the hope of his calling[c]—that is, the wealth of God’s glorious inheritances that he finds in us, his holy ones!
What is God saying to you through this passage?
Thank him for seeing you as his beloved child. If this does not feel true, then acknowledge that. You can say, “Lord, I thank you by faith that I am your beloved child. Help this to become more and more real to me.” Remember God sees you relationally. You can play a song that affirms this reality such as “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin or “Lean Back” from Maverick City.
Focus on a positive memory and reexperience it in all of its detail. Where you were. What you felt, tasted, smelled and experienced. Enjoy the memory for a few minutes. Invite Jesus or the Father and Holy Spirit to join you in the memory. Enjoy your time with God. This is how we become securely attached to him—spending time with him, letting him love us.
Know that God desires an intimate relationship with you. He wants to be near you and is full of hope for your future. He is restoring you, preparing good works for you to do.
Ask God how he sees you. What he loves most about you. Surrender any fears or doubts, shame or disappointment. Ask him to forgive you where you have turned to other things or people instead of him. Let him minister to areas of self-hatred or rejection. Take your time. Let him show who he is and who you are in him.
We are praying for you! God is answering prayer in this season. We pray that you will let God show you who you are, not just once but many times, because it makes all the difference in how we live.
Suggested Reading
David Takle, Forming: A Work of Grace, especially chapters two and ten.
David G. Benner, Surrender to Love: Discovering the Heart of Christian Spirituality.
David G. Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself.
[i] Not to be confused with the Forming Workbook or Forming class. This is a 400 page paperback book, available here: https://kingdomformation.org/books-related-to-christian-formation/forming-a-work-of-grace/ The Forming Workbook also covers Self-hatred in chapter ten.