Lessons in Suffering Well

By Betsy Stalcup, founder and executive director of Healing Center International

It is true. Sam has pneumonia, but I refuse to say again. It is not again because he is not gasping for breath, does not have a fever, can walk, is home, and is sleeping well. And although I never thought I would be grateful for mucus, it is wonderful that this time his cough is productive.

And yet.

And yet he is suffering another setback. Since he got out of rehab in late January, he has made remarkable strides. He went from being barely able to walk ten feet to being able to walk two miles, uphill and down. He has also fallen twice and banged his head. How are we coping? We are learning to suffer well. Here is a snapshot.

We know that God is always with us. You too! God is always with you. We know that he is on our side. He is at work. He has us. He is not punishing us. He knows the way. We can rest assured that all we need to do is follow him.

When I got the text saying that Sam had pneumonia on Thursday, October 17, I was sitting in a classroom at Asbury Seminary taking a class on Spiritual Formation for Leaders. I did not know what to do. Shortly thereafter my phone chimed. It was Sam, his doctor, and two of our friends. They urged me to stay put and finish my class and give the new antibiotic time to work.

My professor told me I could leave.

What to do? I prayed.

I was exhausted and home was a ten hour drive away.

Keep reminding yourself what is good in your situation. The bad won’t need reminding! In my case, I was surrounded by praying people—my professor and my classmates who immediately stopped class to pray for Sam and me. I recalled what was good. I was in a safe place. I had a road-worthy car. Friends were with Sam. He had good medical care. He was now on a stronger antibiotic and was expected to feel better soon. By practicing appreciation, I kept my prefrontal cortex, the part that hears from God, on and working.

Don’t make decisions when exhausted. I realized that I was too tired to hit the road, so I went back to my Airbnb, ate dinner and went to bed. All the while praying, Lord lead me. Lord, heal Sam.

Surrender your situation to God. Anticipate, don’t expect. I learned this one in my class. I could have demanded, Oh Lord heal him now. But my sense was to wait on God. Anticipation is hopeful, expectations are demanding.

Consider asking yourself, What do I want? I was supposed to leave after class the next day and drive to Asheville to visit my daughter, her husband, and my two granddaughters. On Friday morning as I lay in bed so many options kept coming to mind. Go home. Go to Asheville. Finish my class. Then I heard God ask me, What do you want? Instantly, I knew. I wanted to go home and take care of Sam. But then I told God, I don’t want to make the ten hour drive alone.

When you don’t know what to do, consider inching forward even if it does not make sense. I did not know what to do. I emailed my intercessors and asked them to pray. I thought one of them might fly out to Kentucky to help me get home. I sensed God saying Do what is in front of you. Do the next obvious thing. For me the next obvious thing was to get up, get dressed, eat breakfast and check out of the Airbnb where I was staying.

Trust that God may lead you to an intermediate point to get you to the place you need to be. Once I got in the car, I sensed that I should go to my class. This seemed a little crazy since I had already said good-bye. I sensed that I should ask a young man in my small group if he would drive with me. When I asked him, he had to work the next morning, but another person in my group, a woman, volunteered to go with me. With the help of others, we booked her flight back to Kentucky the following morning. Within 30 minutes we were on our way.

Notice beauty along the way. Lindsay and I had a great time in the car. She did all the driving! We drove through West Virginia. Fall color was popping out. The scenery was spectacular. We enjoyed the view, the rivers, the mountains. We enjoyed getting to know each other.

Trust God with your whole heart. As we drove I had to trust God that we would get there on time. That Sam would be okay as we drove. That his hand was in this.

Don’t forget to grieve your losses. I was sad that I was not going to Asheville to see my daughter and her family. I could not get it out of my mind. Even though I knew I had made the right decision to head home, it still stung. When my daughter said, “The little girls are going to be so disappointed that you aren’t coming,” I shed a tear or two. I honored that sadness and let myself feel it.

Suffering is not easy. Lindsay and I got to Reston at 8:00 PM. Sam and I spent the next afternoon at Urgent Care with Sam on an IV. But if you asked me, Are you glad you came home? I would quickly answer, yes. Sam and I have been married for nearly 33 years. When he is sick, I want to be with him.

Is it easy?

No, but it is right. And there is a contentment and joy that comes from following the path God has for you, even when the path ahead gets steep.