Human Developmental Maturity - Elder Stage
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Understanding Developmental Maturity
The Elder Stage
From the Life Model with additions by Betsy Stalcup (text) and Jeannie Herbert (tables), October 2021
We all grow and mature in stages starting from a tiny embryo in our mother’s womb. Our bodies grow automatically, but our hearts and minds do not. Our hearts and minds need certain conditions to fully develop. Most of us can picture what healthy physical development should look like as humans grow from infants to elder, but many of us do not know what it looks like to develop emotionally and mentally. When we do not have the maturity that we should have for our age, those areas of lack are then deficits. Most maturity deficits come from trauma. Both A Trauma (the absences of necessary good things) and B Trauma (bad things) arrest development in one or more areas.
ELDER (when the needs and tasks of the Parent have been fulfilled or the youngest child reaches adult maturity):
An elder is a father or mother to his/her community. They are able to treat children who are not their own with the same unselfish care they learned to give to their own children.
After her children have become men and women, a mother becomes a guide. She helps those who are climbing for the first time. She rescues those who didn't bring maps, forgot their supplies, or even got lost. Elders give life to the family-less: the widows, orphans and strangers. They help their community to mature and reach its identity.
Trust is built by elders because they live transparent lives. They no longer hide what they feel so they can be “cool.” They are real in ways that they haven’t been since they were children. They no longer need to protect themselves because they have learned to suffer well. Elders don’t withdraw when things go wrong or when people fail to live from their hearts. Through authentic involvement, elders resynchronize their community from its broken relationships, failures, and failed trust. Elders may not do the work, but they help others get their timing right. “This is not the time for that,” they say and then again, “this is the time to do something else.”
Many people could use an elder or a grandfather. In our society we expect older people to move to Florida or Arizona and take up golf. We, therefore, have few elders, few spare fathers and mothers, few guides, and few people helping those in need. There is a great lack of elders in our churches and communities. We need men and women who have fully matured in our culture; people who have raised a family and now have excess life to give.
Old mountaineers die when they have no one to guide. Each elder must have a community of his own, a place where he is recognized and trusted as an elder. Elders must be given a proper place in the community structure, for they will not use force to seize it.
Every elder prepares to face his greatest transformation—his or her death. As he or she nears the end of their earthly journey, they reflect on what they did well and what they regret. This can be a time of great healing for the community.
The goal for elders is to help their community grow up. Elders raise communities the way parents raise children. Under elders, communities reach their full maturity.
At Healing Center International we are intentionally producing elders who will change the world.
Not old enough to be in the elder stage? God’s call on your life is to continue giving to your family. We don’t want to be elders too soon, especially when our own children still need nurture. Once our youngest child has reached adult maturity they will not need as much from Mom and Dad and what used to go to them, can flow to others in need.
THE ELDER STAGE
Primary Task: Sacrificially taking care of the community
If tasks are not completed: The overall maturity of the community decline
Elder Needs
A community to call his/ her own
Recognition by his/ her community
Have others trust him/ her
Be valued by his/ her community
Be protected by his/ her community
Elder Tasks
Hospitality
Giving life to those without families
Parenting and maturing his/ her community
Acting like him/ herself in the midst of difficulty
Seeing each person through the ‘eyes of heaven’
Modeling transparency and vulnerability
Delighting in younger people’s skill & idealism
Handling criticism and rejection
Speaking the truth in love
Building & maintaining a community identity over personal fairness or preference
Elder Stage Indicators:
(when the needs and tasks of the Parent have been fulfilled OR the youngest child leaves home)
Key: 1 = God has begun the work… 10 = By God’s grace, I’ve got this!
The Elder Stage: Taking Sacrificial Care of the Community and Where I Am
I extend hospitality to others regularly.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I reach out to those without families.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I endeavor to “parent” those in my community in need of help, guidance, and/or friendship.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I know how to act like myself in the midst of challenge or difficulty.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I model transparency and vulnerability.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I delight in the skill and idealism of the younger people and encourage them in their gifts and calling.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I handle criticism and rejection with grace.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I speak the truth in love.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I choose to build and maintain a community identity, rather than insist on personal fairness or preference.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I see each one I know through the eyes of heaven, as cherished and beloved, made in his image.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Adapted by Elizabeth Stalcup, Ph.D., Jeannie Herbert, MSN, and Anne Doggett, M.A.Ed. from various sources including The Complete Guide to Living with Men, by E. James Wilder; Restarting with Ed Khouri; The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero; the Thriving DC 2013 workbook by David and Jan Takle; and Joy Starts Here by Wilder, Khouri, Coursey and Sutton.